Thoughts on the Church’s Attitude to Singles

In the book Now and Not Yet Jennifer Marshall states 8 out of 10 young women are hoping for marriage; yet 3 out of 10 are still single at 30. She conducted a wide survey of women all around the country, in different careers, living situations, and schools. The results are clear. Something is happening.

Yet… everywhere, we’re told by teachers, pastors, and counselors “90% of people” are going to be married at some point.

For those of us raised in church, we always hear about marriage and family as the best way to glorify God. When our pastor preached through Ephesians this summer and arrived at the last couple chapters, he told us young people to get married, as it was God’s highest calling.

I remember attending a youth rally in which the boys and girls had their own workshops on relationships. The woman encouraged us to not wait to get married; but to fulfill our role as women and become as one with a man. She then twisted Calvin’s famous quote:

“The male sex has a distinction over the female sex, with this understanding, that they ought to be connected together by mutual benevolence, for the one cannot do without the other. If they be separated, they are like the mutilated members of a mangled body. Let them, therefore, be connected with each other by the bond of mutual duty.”

She told us this was Calvin on marriage, when it actually is on submission. Yet the speaker implied this was how God himself viewed marriage.

Boundless Webzine, a magazine I have a love-hate relationship with; has so much to say about everything. It often contradicts itself. But an article I’ve read urges its readers to get married “sooner rather than later.” Yet it doesn’t offer encouragement for those wanting to get married (like me and so many other women I know).

If you’re not dating, married, or courting; it’s a problem.

There are a few women at my church who ruin my whole Sunday at least every other week. One has a habit of telling of me some variation of this:

“I know you want to get married, and I know your standards are high. But I’m praying you won’t be picky when he comes along. And I pray it will be soon.”

At my graduation open house, several women pulled me off to the side and told me “I’m praying you’ll find the right one soon.”

People have tried to set me up. People have crudely told me the idea of waiting on the Lord isn’t being kind to my future babies. People at church don’t really care about single people unless they are dating or trying to find someone.

The problem isn’t going away. This summer, I talked with a lovely young lady about the issue of going to church and being single. Let’s call her Olivia. Olivia has completed her bachelor’s degree in an extremely well-respected field. She has studied abroad in Japan, France, England, and Italy; and even did a summer on the Peace Corp with her brother. When she arrived home from college without a husband, and that’s all her church seemed to care about. When she mentioned bringing people to Christ while abroad; the people asked her if it wasn’t such a bad thing to have a partner to serve with. Olivia became teary eyed as she said “They just didn’t understand. Here I was doing exactly what I thought the church was about (the Great Commission); and all they could see was my lack of a husband.” So, she admitted, she got into an Ivy league school and began working for her master’s degree. “It not even my fault. No one has asked me out yet.”

The pressure is enormous, and we can’t do anything about it. In Olivia’s words: it’s not our fault. Stop trying to match us up with members of the congregation or start singles groups for us. Don’t try to push us at each other. It causes friction. It damages unity- even though a cousin to unity is what you desire for us.

This is one thing I’ve been struggling with a great deal lately. I want to believe a husband is out there for me, somewhere, becoming a man of wisdom. But I have no such promise. Marriage is not a right we have. I actually put a Ludy book away for awhile. “When Dreams Come True” made me bitter and angry while reading it. The Ludy’s example of a God-written love story stirred up jealousy for something that is not mine- and may (probably?) never be mine. Are there any true men out there who are godly, above reproach, and pure? A few. I know of about five or six that fit the bill-out of many, many young men I know. They are rare.

–

If there is something in your life that is making you jealous or bitter about marriage, remove it. I’ve found it makes emotions ease sooner. I enjoy chick flicks and they don’t bother me. But romance novels and spending time with engaged friends does. I limit the things that tempt me.

To the Church, your attempts to help aren’t making things any easier for us. We want to be married just as you want us to be- even more so than you want us to be. But you cannot change circumstances. Thinking you can hurts everyone.

it’s a broken world, we’re broken people

As I sit here to type this, the window nearby is open. I hear the neighbors arriving home: a car door slams and an overly loud sigh can be heard as our neighbor “George” walks towards the back deck. He pulls his 8 year old son out of the car and begins yelling at him. He lets out several rants and raves about his job (the latest of a long line), slaps his kid on the backside for good measure. He leaves bawling George Jr. sitting on the cement, while letting out his growing assortment of animals. He curses at them, kicks them as they go out to play on the cement, meowing and barking.

Apparently, George had a bad day.

One animal jumps on his other son as George lights up a cigarette. The four old, in self defense, pushes the dog away and screams. George immediately slaps the boy across the face in anger: “Don’t you dare hurt the dog!” More screaming. More yelling. More fighting. More anger. More… mayhem.

Scenes like this remind me of the broken world we live in. For everything beautiful and right and true, there’s a thousand dirty and broken and evil things. We see people trying to create ‘artistic’ organizations to bring cultural beauty in impoverished countries. There’s nothing wrong with making the world “beautiful” in a general sense… but what does it do for souls and the people’s condition? Why do they paint buildings when it will peel off and blow away- when people inside the building die of AIDS? Why do they plant flowers that need watering when the only water available is 40 miles away in a swamp? Why do these well-meaning folks do so much- only to do nothing?

We can’t very well do much ourselves, for we’re just as broken as they… but we do have a different power than others.

The power of Christ.

My family reaches out to the neighbors by lending them things, taking their kids to the park, letting their kids come over and eat dinner with us, and simply by modeling Christianity in our speech, actions, and attitudes. Surprisingly, I’ve seen we’ve had some effect. The eldest daughter doesn’t act up verbally and be tough around us like she does her dad and mom. It’s not just politeness. She enjoys our company, and has learned the best way to be loved is to love. Of course, her family life may not have changed. But it’s a start. And it’s ministry of the best kind.  It’s our part of redemption.

By that, I do not mean we have to earn our redemption by works. But why else has Christ let us continue on this world? Why doesn’t he immediately allow Christians to die? We’re supposed to be his hands and feet to the broken. He lets us bring help. And we get to spread the news while we’re at it. We’re part of the grand thing called redemption by simply obeying.

Are you willing to let him use you? He can fix your brokenness; all you have to do is stop being prideful. Don’t try to see or do things your way. Just obey. Then go. Do.

‘Live With Purpose’ (a tidbit of Chapter 1 of my book)

How often do we think ‘September thoughts’? “Since the school year is starting, I will do ____” or “I can have 30 weeks to study ____ a little bit more.” It’s easy to think we can let our schedules and circumstances determine our life; to help our future along. It’s like living on autopilot: letting social life, full calendars, games, appointments, and homework become our purpose for living. And for us college women and beyond, it’s easy to think housework and college and chores is all that’s worth living for.

These activities are all worthy and many are necessary to living. Chores need to be completed. Homework must be finished. Doctors need to be seen. Teeth need to be filled. It’s life.

But, when we start to look to our calendars to determine what’s next, our lives are set to live on autopilot. And when a huge change comes (like graduation, for example), we aren’t sure what we’re supposed to do. We feel lost, like our social life has been stripped away; we feel like we have no reason to exist: like we have no purpose… like God has taken everything we liked to do away!

I confess I used to live on autopilot. Looking to the next thing on the list to determine what I should do. It is how we young single women start to feel discontent when we’re 18 or 21 or 30 and not married- or even seeing anyone. We’re too used to everything coming at us in an orderly fashion, being in control of our lives. When things like a job, marriage, or college don’t come our way, the discontentment sets in.

In reality, God is not taking anything away from us. WE are living without purpose.

“Our hearts are restless, Lord, until they rest in You.” Saint Augustine

So often, we’re caught up in living life to simply live life, we forget what we’re here for. We were made for God, not the next big thing! It is only when we live for God do we genuinely begin live vibrantly, wholly, and fully.

How do we do that?

Well… that’s what my book is all about!

Romans 8 (and what I’ve learned about the nature of God and the nature of me)

There is something about this chapter that draws me back to it over and over.

1. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. 2 For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. 3 For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, 4 in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. 5 For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. 6 For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. 7 For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. 8 Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

9 You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him. 10 But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. 11 If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.

12 So then, brothers, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. 13 For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. 14 For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. 15 For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” 16 The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, 17 and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.

18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. 19 For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. 20 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. 22 For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. 23 And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27 And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. 28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. 29 For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30 And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? 33 Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36 As it is written,

“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

This whole chapter tells us who we are as Christians. If I ever successfully lead someone to Christ, and they ask “Then what?” I would take them through a study of Romans 8 then Ephesians. Hey, now that my book is in oblivion, I could start writing a study on this…

Anyway. ahem. I’ve come to realize yet again the only way to be genuinely content, happy, and Christ-centered is when I’m not pursuing things I want.

I’ve been learning a lot about prayer recently, too; and the verse about the Holy Spirit making known our requyests without even saying them eloquently makes me want to burst with peace and assurance! Since we are saved to do good works, and we cannot lose our salvation; we should constantly be seeking things above. Sometimes, sin distracts us, though. It doesn’t take much to pull us away from Christ, but sadly, it happens. We become a little more carnally minded than we should. We fall into a great heap of trouble and see no way out. I am so thankful for a God who loves me, but hates my sin with a holy passion! He opens my eyes to breaches in my wall, to echo Nehemiah’s dilemma. I am determined to not let the wall of my fellowship Christ around crumble or be diminished by anything of the Father of lies. 

That’s why I went through this process recently. Christ has become more real to me. I feel light, clean inside and out. Even if you’re not a set-apart “girl,” you warriors could benefit from taking a step back and examining your life, too. We’re all human. We all sin. Princess or Warrior, lady or gent’a'man, I hope you click on the link and take a look at what “Cleaning Out the Sanctuary” really means.  I dare you. Click on it!

Don’t You Dare Dream Big!

Do something big.

In our generation, we’re told to “dream big” all the time. We’re told to set goals and make plans.

Dreams are dreams, plans are plans, and goals are goals. We rarely see them accomplished- and if we do, they’re little things that don’t matter.

Because we’re too lazy to see thethem though.

Sure, we all have aspirations (like ‘become a lawyer’ or ‘get married’ or ‘write a book’) and dreams (such as ‘see the world’ or ‘meet the president’ or ‘live in Ireland’) and we all have plans (like ‘get diploma’ ‘hunt for a more fun job’ ‘have a party’ ‘go to Kings Island’).

How often are we seeing our goals through? It seems to me we’re told to dream big, but nobody really gives us a direction. Average adults sit back let us ramble through life, giving us vague advice. There’s nothing wrong with job hunting, and I love King’s Island. But how often do we see the big things getting done? Not often. We spend too much time in the small stuff.  It’s good to live life with a metanarrative-ish plan, but… look at your calendar. How many of the things coming up in the next week really count for something? Will you remember what you did ten years from now? What could you be doing instead? It’s neccessary to get your haircut, or get your car’s oil changed; but do you really need to go out for coffee to “unwind”? How about shopping with the girls? Biking with the guys? What really matters?

So, my short challenge to you is to DO big. Don’t walk a tightrope or bungee jump off the Willis Tower, make an impact. Start a blog, write a book (and be sure to back it up someplace,189 pages of a devotional book I was writing and 78 pages of communism articles I was working on disappeared forever with a virus! Just warning you! BACK IT UP ON A DISC!), go on a missions trip, or teach a class. Mentor someone instead of being mentored for once. You will find you like it! Hey, if you’re a man and like speaking, try preaching when your pastor is on vacation this summer.

What are some “BIG” things you have done? What are some major things you’d like to do? How are you going to get there? I’d love to hear your thoughts, and you may inspire some other friendly folks along the way.

 

It Only Happens Once…

Life gets busy. Just when I thought graduation would be the end of my social life, I find myself loaded with projects and tasks, visits and meetings. It makes me grouchy, some days, because I’m getting sort-of ”plum-tuckered” out.

I didn’t want to go to church last night, but I’m glad I did. We had an interesting discussion on personal convictions and Romans 14-15.

After the study, we all split up into self-organized spontaneous groups. I noticed a elderly lady looking around the room. No one was sitting near her, people were praying with their friends. After prompting my mom to go sit by her, we went over and introduced ourselves. We ended up having a lovely discussion with Mrs. Powell, who must’ve been in her eighties! She talked of her growing up grandchildren, and her middle aged son, their missions work and then asked us what we were doing lately. My mom mentioned how busy we were with my graduation party. With her faltering voice, she shook a finger in my face and said “Enjoy it… it only comes once!” Shortly thereafter, her equally elderly husband came out and sat behind her. You could totally tell they were still in love! I was tickled pink when Mrs. Powell mentioned she was engaged to three other men at various point in life, broke it off each time and ended with ‘him’ (as she jerked a thumb at her man) for the last 65 years. Aww!! She patted my knee and said in a mischievous voice: “When you start courtin’ watch out!”

When I’m 80 something, I want to be alive and kickin’ like her!

In the midst of a busy point of life, I was reminded by someone far older than me that a successful life cannot be measured by friends, money, or status. Enjoy the experience. Make the most of every opportunity. It only happens once…

It reminds me of Ecclesiastes 1:10:

Is there a thing of which it is said,
“See, this is new”?
It has been already
in the ages before us.

We need to find wisdom from ages before us. So, look to people from ages before us! We have some catchin’ up to do as young folks.

And then onto 14:

 I have seen everything that is done under the sun,

and behold, all is vanity and a striving after wind.

Life is nothing new. But, by the time 50 comes around, people realize there’s more to life then money. Then they wish they’d known that earlier in life. They were chasing after something that didn’t matter for half their life.

That’s why this blog is called Echoes in the Wind. I’ve seen all the chasing after the wind. Okay, maybe not all of it, I’m 15 days shy of being ten and eight years. But I’ve seen people wasting their young years on a lot of things that don’t matter. Music. Money. Clothes. Fiction not worth reading. Boyfriends.

Echoes come back to you.

Echoes haunt you, reminding you of what’s happened. Perhaps telling you of what could be.

Echoes will come back to you, and continue to, unless you stop making a ruckus. There can be good ‘ruckuses’ and bad ‘ruckuses.’

Echoes warn other people far behind.

Echoes can come from people on mountains. We’re all said to be climbing up a mountain toward God. Not sure if I like that analogy, but it’ll do. 

This blog’s original intent was to stretch and encourage and tell younger girls of what I’ve learned in life. To make you think. To make you want something better. To let God use my talent of writing and creating to inspire you on your journey up a mountain.

Life should be simple. Don’t make “it’s complicated” your life’s motto.

Life is not about frivolity. Clothes don’t make the man. Neither does your color of nail poish.

Life is not a show. Don’t pretend. Be REAL (the link will tell you the wrong definition of real)

Life has ideas. Be familiar with them. Know them. Study them.

Life should be colorful. Be vibrant. Don’t be dull.

Life should focus on serving. Look around for needs. Attend to them. Act like you alone know about a need.

Life should be ultimately about God, and the pursuit of Him.

Now, I’m not blogging to just younger girls anymore. I’m blogging to peers, older young women, friends, young men, married and single adults, and other random people who join for fun or for laughs .

Many people who are tired of chasing after the wind.

The armor of God…

…should be used in full. Most people put on just the helmet of salvation and leave it at that. Might I ask how you’re going to withstand fiery darts from Satan without a shield?

Maybe that’s why many people don’t change after salvation. They go back to their old habits because they aren’t preparing for battle.

Ephesians 6: 13 ESV- Take up the WHOLE armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.

Stay At Home Daughter

Part One

  People won’t like the fact you are going to live at home until you marry.

Fact.

Expect their disapproval, but don’t be discouraged by it.

Prepare answers!

  There’s a passel of myths swirling around the church community and abroad, tricking people into thinking our time at home is a time of… laziness. Unless a stay at home daughter is making no contributions to the family household whatsoever, this daughter is not wasting her time at all. People at church grill me almost every week because, well, I’m weird. And weird (to them) means sheltered, narrow-minded, stupid, and maybe even lazy. Some of the questions I’m asked are:

  “Don’t you want to have a life?” “Do you feel like your parents are forcing this on you?” “What about college? Do you mean you aren’t going away?” “Maybe you’re just afraid of the real world.” “Why not move out and get an apartment when you’re graduated?” “What if you’re dad and mom die?” “Maybe your parents are making you do this because they know you’re not ready and are naïve?” “How can you say you like living at home?” “Don’t you want to learn life skills?” “You won’t know what’s new in technology and in the culture if you’re not in it!” “What? You’re graduated/graduating?” “What about socialization?!”

  I’d like to attempt to destroy these myths and give you an idea of how to go about answering similar questions that may be asked of you.

  “Don’t you want to have a life?”

I usually laugh, because I find this question forthright and hilarious. I ask them to define “life” and what “life” entails. Remember: the battle over ideas is a battle over the definition of words- when words lose their meaning, people lose their lives (and debates). Life, to them, is a fun-filled, outing based, social time where a girl spends her single time growing socially, shirking her duties at home. “Life” means that I should not be ‘stuck’ inside a house all day. “Life” is all about me!

  Life, in God’s definition is serving others, learning all I can before some guy steals me from my mom and dad , and getting a grasp on reality: LIFE is not about FUN, is not FAIR, or is of things FRIVOLOUS, nor is it based on crammed social agendas! My mom told me recently that life is not about the next great thing to look forward to: it’s about looking forward to the next thing God tells you to do. How true.

 “Do you feel like your parents are forcing you to do this?”

Not at all. My dad is really one who says “Whatever you do is fine, honey,” in most situations. He would not force me to do anything- unless it is something that I would benefit from, like sticking out a class at a co-op, or when I was younger eating all my veggies. My mom likes loves to see me carry out my convictions and obey the Holy Spirit. She is full of guidance, and is definitely one of my best friends; but I came to discover the idea of Stay at Home Daughterhood by myself, through reading.

 After being at home for so long, they assume your parents have an attachment problem and will not let you go! You can help this by one verbal move; but it is hard to make someone change their mind about you.

Simply speak of your commitments as your own. Don’t say “My dad wants me to wear skirts.” “My mom doesn’t want me to go to this activity.” Make your commitments your own. “I prefer skirts, they are more modest.” “That activity would not benefit me.” This will erase the idea of “bondage” into parents passing on convictions, or a ”teach them to your children” outlook, or even “indoctrination”. Proving the commitments are accepted and fine by your book doesn’t make your parents look like captors.

Suggested resource list-(do in order )

1. Read: So Much More by Anna Sofia and Elizabeth Botkin

Listen to the CD by these girls: Strength and Dignity for Daughters

Watch: Return of The Daughters

2. Joyfully at Home by Jasmine Baucham (I really like this book, I apparently have a lot in common with Jasmine, so it really really hit home for me)

Watch: Dominion Oriented Daughters (Geoffrey Botkin)

~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~

I, again, ask those who are leaving book-long comments meant to stir up rabble rousers for the convention to S-T-O-P.

This is our family’s final year @ Midwest Homeschool Convention (unless they invite Ken Ham next year and allow AiG to display in the exhibition hall…). I’m excited to be going (though bittersweet, because of the grim events happening concerning AiG). I will be posting pictures and notes over the weekend, so be sure to check back!