An Invaluable 91 Cent Lesson

Paraphrased from When God Writes Your Love Story

“Hey Eric!” Steve yelled as I was getting comfortable in the yellow plastic McDonald’s booth. “Bob’s picking the Huskers to beat your team by twenty!”

 “What?” I screeched. “Bob, your Huskers will be lucky to come out of Folsom Field alive, let alone with a victory!”

  Ah… those memorable college days. There I was with my buddies, who like me were once again dateless on yet another Friday night. To ease our egos, we all headed to our favorite hangout to splurge our carefully budgeted spare 91 cents on a sumptuous ice cream cone and engage in serious guy talk.

  For all of you female readers out there who are interested in learning how guys tick, listen up. Whenever we get into a plastic booth, we become very predictable at least where conversation is concerned.

Sports. We talk about teams, argue, grunt, flex, make jabs, and all sort of tough things like that. Once we exhaust that topic, we talk about another favorite subject- food.

“Just bought 20 Ramen noodle packages for 2 bucks at Meijer….”

“No way, dude!”

Eventually, we move onto our endocrine systems. Hormones.

As Bob excitedly shared about this blonde who proofread his Ducks and Diseases paper, God reminded me of his control over this area of my life. It had been a few months since I had “let go of the pen,” but at times, I was still struggling. But he gave me a beautiful hope. He had been preparing me to be a husband, thus revealing to me someone was out there waiting for me.

Whoa!

If God’s plan for me was marriage, she’s walking around right now.

She’s alive!

I wondered what she was doing.

I wondered if she was looking at the moon and thinking of me.

It hit me.

She better not be hanging around a guy!

My mind was filled with a picture of someone who looked like Val Kilmer creeping a snakelike, slimy arm around her shoulder. Doesn’t the moon look peachy babe? I could hear his disgusting voice say.

Then, as if it couldn’t get any worse, I imagined his oversized lips coming in for an intercept on hers. Get your unbridled lips off my wife, turkey!

  My lips curled into a crazed snarl, and my eyes boiled with fury. My right hand formed a pulsing fist and smacked my open left hand with savage force. I was ready to kill this guy!

  Maybe my buddies thought it was an allergic reaction to ice cream (they didn’t bring it up, thankfully), but on a night where I blew a whopping 91 cents; I gained a truth.

 I desire purity in my wife.

—

Girls, don’t you think your future husband desires purity in you? Could you smile at what he would see you doing right now? Where you are going? With what you’re saying to other guys?

A Standard For Encouraging and Dealing With Guys

I’d like to share with you some resources I just added to my library.

Preparing to Be a Helpmeet ~ Debi Pearl  Talks of types of guys, types of girls, and what each type should do to prepare for the guy she will most likely catch.

Answering the Guy Questions (hereafter refered to as “ATGQ”) by Leslie Ludy was an amazing book! It is a quick read, so this book is good for people who want to look at a topic and run off.

Also, “What Our Father Taught Us About Boys” (a CD by the Botkin sisters) is another helpful resource.

All three opened my eyes to how much girls and guys are alike- and how they are so very different, too.

 Boys are people too.  “This may sound funny,” as Anna Sophia said in the CD, “but it is true.”

 We often go from one extreme to the other when it comes to dealing with boys. There are boys I know who are very forward with me, and sometimes I walk away from a conversation wondering “Should I have said that?” and other times I walk away thinking “I wish I had said a lot more.” Other boys I have no reason to talk to, and after awhile, I just began to ignore them. These situations are both wrong. I want to apply some basic principles:

>Do dress nicely, modestly, and stylishly, but not FOR them. ATGQ talks of respecting their future wives and your future husband by keeping hidden what should be hidden. And remember, if there are many guys there, there are many future wives, too. Don’t expect anything until you are of marriagable age and the guy has asked for your hand through your dad!

>Don’t chatter mindlessly. Guys understand you more than you think. According to Preparing to Be A Helpmeet, they are always watching and listening; even if not for romantic purposes. They will know you by your words. Discontinue fillers, crude slang, and random chatter about yourself.

Don’t EVER manipulate. For example: Angela likes Kyle, but Kyle doesn’t think Angela would make a very good wife. He is not interested. But, Angela, seeing him ignore her is not acceptable. She wants him to notice her and sets up a date trap to get him alone with her in her car. This led to other things, and Kyle didn’t really want Angela in the first place. This is called defrauding. The girl was taking what was not hers, doing things she had no business doing, and initiating things when it was not her place.

This action is not only displeasing to God, but it reflects badly on you. Manipulative women are pushy, and once married, will push their husbands. Read Proverbs 7 for more about a wicked, manipulative woman.

Don’t ignore them. I have a knack for doing this, and it frustrates me! Even if guys are being pushy, greet them with a quiet smile, and if annoyed, let them or others do the talking so you don’t explode or pour mindless chatter on them. I was recently followed around almost everywhere by a certain guy. I’d be walking, then turn around and there he was. I’d feel goosebumps on my neck and he’d be watching me intently from several hundred yards away. When I finally bumped into him face to face, my mom was with me, and she was able to do the talking. Thank goodness for parents and the chance to apply the truths right away!

I hope you will consider these resources and add them to your library! They are priceless, and they could change your life.  Remember our highest goal is not to snag a gent, or to please the guys in our lives; it’s about becoming a woman who is worth “far above rubies”. (See Proverbs 31:10-31)

Pressure to Be Attached

People call me crazy. People also call me stupid. Let me explain:

A smattering of guys have, at one time or another, confessed their undying, hormone related affection for me. I don’t want any of it. It’s distracting, and once these young men started hinting blatantly at liking me, the friendship hurled went downhill. I still have a good friendship with one, but it is because of being careful. I don’t reply to flirtatious comments, look at him when he sighs loudly, or tell him if I like him back. For the most part, he understands. I think. I spend a lot of time praying about “Alexander” but he is not the foremost of my thoughts. People usually tell me to go after him, because after all, I’m nearly of marriageable age, and of course, they only want me to be “happy.” When I say that I’m happy without a boyfriend or the prospect of getting one, most pat me on the arm and say I’m deceiving myself and someday that will change. Ha. Far from it, folks.

Marriage is a beautiful thing, and I sure would like to be married sometime in my life. But God has given me a greater desire, a desire stronger than having a husby or a bunch of kids. That desire I have is from Him and for Him. God’s will takes over any thought I may have over Sir Charming the Gallant. If only more girls would stop playing the dating game and learn that contentment in Christ is the key to life!

“Who is this?” asked an old man of a 20-something woman.

“This is my boyfriend… Charles” the girl declared proudly.

It was amazing how much was said in those few words. This girl had been involved in my youth group for several years, all the while encouraging us not to seek after a guy but follow after the Lord. She should have led by example. While declaring she was not looking for a relationship, she started a singles group, researched ‘singles explosions’, and went to every event she could find where available men were. After three years, her search was successful. She has a boyfriend, and she talks of him all the time. Her identity is not in who she is in Christ, it’s who she is with her boy. You see, the young lady equates being fulfilled and human with being attached. Not so! What makes us human (profoundly human) is the Gospel! It makes us see our enormous need for help…and makes us become fulfilled after we’ve let Jesus fill that need. The Gospel is enough to satisfy. Stop living like it isn’t.

Those who “date around” want to have a great marriage someday, that’s unanimous! But, when it comes down to who they date, the standard is set quite low. Over the years, missionary dating has become popular at my church. It started with one couple, then it snowballed. Another couple started, and another, and then, this aforementioned girl found herself an unbelieving boy. The first relationship that started it all sadly ended when they found the “converted” girlfriend was fooling around at college.

It seems that dating is like a snowball. It starts out with a faithful Christian girl and a guy. She is serious about her walk with God, and every day is like a mountaintop experience. They date, get involved, and break up. The girl blames God for her problems, and starts look for another guy. The cycle repeats with several more guys, adding baggage, making the process of “backsliding” go faster. Things gain momentum. The snowball builds up more ‘junk’ and keeps rolling… downhill… faster and faster… until crash! The whole thing blows up in her face and her life is at the bottom of the hill. In order to get back to the top, she must get serious and start depending on God again for everything! Only then can she have a deep relationship with God and get back on the victorious mountaintop.

The reason for unbalanced relationships is the preset standard (or the lack thereof). Most people have no standard or even the slightest idea what they’d like to see in Prince Charming. As young women, we shouldn’t swoon over what our dear Johnny should look like. We should be praying for his character, his strength, and his spiritual well-being!

As I looked into qualities of husbands, I found absolutely no standard of any sort out on the Internet. Not even a bare minimum or a few requirement ideas. Sure, every girl is different, but there’s the need to set a standard and a few expectations to get her thinking about the kind of man she’ll marry someday.

Hence the big surprise. (No, it’s not that I’m getting married, but thanks anyway to those who asked!!) It’s a list of potential qualities that you should think about. This isn’t final gospel, and I’m only a weak, finite human, so it’s not a law to follow. Rather, this is a list to get you thinking. Take ideas from this list and start building your own. Tell me about some of the qualities you came up with on your own!

Check it out- The List  

This list will only be up for the week of Valentine’s… (February 14th-February 19th)

Temptation and Contentment

Lately, I’ve felt weak in the area of keeping to my commitment of courtship. It’s especially hard when, at church on Sundays, I get an older lady or two advertising their grandson to me in subtle ways.

It was even harder when I got a date proposal to go and see Pam Tebow give her testimony over a formal dinner with a guy I happen to umm, ahem, like.

gulp gulp

Even though I turned the offer down, I found myself wondering what would’ve taken place at the meal. Immediately, I felt guilty of not trusting God for His best.

Turns out, the lesson for tonight’s bible study meeting is contentment. Putting together a lesson on something you’re currently struggling with is always fun, becauseI immediately fix my problem spot right away.

He brought the following verse to me about living a contented, Jesus in control life:

Psalm 46:10

Be still, and know that I am God

Proverbs 14:30

A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Galatians 5:26

Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

I should not begin to envy a sinful lifestyle full of of frivolty and dating. I remembered that God is God and I am supposed to be still. I also learned that God will always get me through a big temptation, and help me become content.

Then, I was reminded of Fanny Crosby. She’s my contentedness model for tonight’s lesson.

‘Oh, what a happy soul I am,
Although I cannot see,
I am resolved that in this world
Contented I will be.

How many blessings I enjoy
That other people don’t
To weep and sigh because I’m blind
I cannot nor I won’t.’

What a woman! She said she wouldn’t trade her blindness for sight because she wanted to give God glory!

I want others to say someday:

What a woman! She wouldn’t trade her singleness for a premature dating relationship because she wanted to give God the glory!

Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. he’s not the hard to conquer with Christ on your side. He’s the winner, after all, in the end.   God made you exactly the way you are right now. Get down on your knees and thank HIM!

(PS, I’m deliciously happy today, btw. Always am on study days!)

Dating=Devastation Part 2

~Standards of Conduct~

Ask yourself, would I act like this if my future husband was watching? Would I be proud to admit to him that I’ve kissed Luke and Tom and Tyler and Andy and Scott? Would I be comfortable flirting with Jeff? Would he be angry watching me? How would Christ act if he were me? Just think, there is somebody out there, thinking about you as their future spouse! They probably don’t know your name yet, what you look like or what your likes and dislikes are, and yet, he wonders what you’re doing and if you are coming along anytime soon. So, won’t it be fun to get to talking one day then admit that you’ve made out with every guy in your county?! No? But you said you wanted to have fun, right? You had fun- for a while. Now, as you confess what you’ve done, you feel so guilty! See? Dating is the cause of much pain and sorrow, simply through no accountability and low standards.

Save as much as you can for your future husband. Your first kiss, hug, love letter. I don’t mean your, as a couple, first kiss, but as an individual. I am intending to save my first kiss for my wedding day, and I wear a purity ring to remind me.

If you’ve already goofed up by giving away your first kiss, or even more, God is ready to forgive you and help you make a new start. Just ask him. He’s waiting with open arms.

If you haven’t given away anything yet, Praise God! Make the commitment today that you will wait on God’s timing to arrange your marriage. He will bring this young man into your life at the exactly right time, not any day sooner. Choose to prepare now for the ministry and work ahead of you. Don’t compromise or lower your standards. Take time to learn all that you can and teach others what you have learned. You won’t be sitting around waiting for Prince Charming to knock on your door… you’ll be ministry focused, and not boy focused.

“Whoa, WAIT? Like years? How is that possible for somebody like me? That takes a lot of faith, right?”

Yes, it does take a lot of faith, but not any more than it takes to get saved through faith in Jesus Christ. Trust is a must for any Christian in any situation, which includes courtship, of course.

“But times have changed. Courtship was used in the 19th century! There is no way this is going to work!”

Well, yes, times and fads are constantly changing. But Jesus died on the cross way back when, and do we need a new way to Heaven? No! Jesus is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow! He is still working in the lives of his people in marvelous and mysterious ways. His laws, promises, and truths do not change. We still have the Bible after all these years, and it still works for us, right? Culture is always shifting to it’s new standard of “best” and “cool.” Just remember the God can do all things, no matter how ‘odd’ or ‘uncool’ or ‘impossible’ it seems. He’s working on you right now, in a puzzling, yet perfect, way.

Dating=Devastation

There’s a reason for all the divorce and hurt from “relationships” today. Want to know why your BFF is bawling in the bathroom after lunch? Can’t understand why girls are constantly complaining about boys being insensitive?

It’s called dating.

Dating is preparation for divorce. “Wait,” you’re saying. “That’s an awfully strong statement. Whoa, this must be one of those radical, weird articles.” Well, drastic times call for drastic measures. Think about it. What’s the purpose of dating?

‘To have fun.’ ‘Meet guys.’ ‘Get to know how people of the opposite sex act.’ ‘To be cool, fit in more.’ ‘Get an idea of how marriage works and see what types of guys are out there.’

Oh, so you’re planning on marriage in 9th grade?

‘Well, no, I didn’t mean that, uh, I just-’

What do you mean, then?

‘I want to have fun, NOW. See what there is to see and then I’ll settle down.’

There is a huge problem with that mindset..

Dating is based on culture, and is entirely selfish and centered on me me ME. What can bring ME happiness? What can fulfill MY wants? Someone can think they have no selfishness in a dating relationship, but really, if you are simply in high school, why are you doing it? Very few people get married in high school or the year or two following. You aren’t exactly mature enough yet! You said you want to have fun, do you think marriage is all sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows?! Do you think Prince Charming in the senior class is ready to go out and get a house or mortgage? How about you? Could you be a mother or keep house and make a grocery list or keep to a budget?

If you are in high school, there is no reason at all to be dating because you aren’t ready for marriage. No matter how long you tell me that you and Dude of the Day/Week/Month/Year are so great together, I will tell you over and over that you aren’t ready! It’s so easy to confuse cute and character when you are infatuated over Mr. Tall-Dark-n- Handsome. Let me put it this way, anybody can act mature on a date- it’s just a few hours. You, as a young lady, are very changeable. Your emotions swing back and forth and you get mad at different people for different reasons. How long did your ex last? Six months? Two weeks? And you thought he was so awesome when you looked into his eyes and knew you’d be in love forever- until you saw all of his faults and goofs.

Short eternity, eh?

Dating is entirely cultural- there’s no other way that society offers. As Christians, we should be swimming against the tide of society and media, to be set apart. The other, better way to find your future mate is called courtship.

Courtship, although old-fashioned as it may sound, is the more Biblical approach to marriage. There is no dating involved. Like I said, anyone can be mature on a date. Getting to know people in real-life situations is the best way to see people who they really are. Ministry is an excellent way to observe a guy’s qualities. See how good (or bad) different guys are with kids, peers, adults, and older people. Watch as young men serve (or don’t serve) in church and outings. Listen in Sunday School if he seems to know the answers to tough Biblical questions. If he does have all the qualities of a man you’d marry, don’t come out and say it. Never tell a guy you feel an attraction to him. Talk with your father and make a list with him of qualities of a future husband. Try not to keep this young man in mind as you make it, though, or there will be ‘surprising’ similarities! Better yet, make the list before you’re even interested in anyone. Pray about it, and try not to let your heart get too attracted to this guy. Also, if you aren’t of marrying age, I would advise you not to look for or discuss a young man with your father. Simply surrender all feelings of ‘love’ or, more literally, attraction to God. However, do make a husband quality list and compare it with what your parents would want. Maybe they will have some more ideas that you wouldn’t have thought of before!

If you are of marrying age, ask your father what he thinks of this young man, and maybe he will get to know him for you. Your dad will probably want to speak with this guy’s dad as well. The fathers will discuss the possibility of a courtship. If the guy’s father knows his son has feelings for you, then it will be okay for you to start courting. If there is no known attraction, move on, and there shouldn’t be any hurt emotionally because you weren’t supposed to get attached to him in the first place!

Once you begin to court a young man, there will be outings, either with a group of other friends, or another courting couple. (If there are no other couples who are courting, find a dating couple who has the same kind of morals and standards and ask for them to hold you both accountable). Accountability is the key in courtship. Always have someone with you while you are with him. Tell your parents exactly where, when and how you will be going somewhere, and what you will be doing. If there is temptation, simply get up and excuse yourself and pray alone quietly for a few minutes.

In dating, there are standards and rules, but there is no accountability. Couples will nod and say they’ll behave, but in that dark movie theater with no chaperone (or a very poor one), do you think their parents’ pre-date lecture “Behave!” will be ringing in their ears and stopping anything from taking place? If you’re saying yes, either this couple is perfect (hint: it’s not!) or you’re thinking that they are very strong people who control their emotions. Well, if they are very strong people who control their emotions, then why are they dating?! Temptations are huge in dating, and they are present in courtship as well, but it all depends on accountability.

To be continued